Its called cognitive dissonance, as theres always a scientific term for something. it explains the tension, the stress that you feel when you have two conflicting thoughts or ideas about yourself at one point of time.

The way i explain it: everyone has an idea of themselves in their mind: this is called the "attitude". For example: a kind father, a strict teacher, or say a loving partner. Everyday, everyone try to act their role as what their image of themselves would do if they were in the same situation: this is called the "behavior". However, sometimes our behavior happen to contradict our ideal image that we portray ourself in: "i am a good man, but i did something bad". For example, a righteous student cheating during an examination, or a kind-hearted father hitting their children.

Cognitive dissonance happens when our behavior contradict with our attitude. Any form of inconsistency is uncomfortable, such that people seek to reach a stable state with the least amount of dissonance. to do that, they always follow one of these few outcomes:

1. Change the behavior
2. Change the attitude
3. Rationalize the discrepancy
4. Do nothing to the dissonance

Its really hard to ignore the dissonance when its there, so people tend to go for the alternatives. take an example of people who work in the meat factory: an average joe, killing animals by the count of hundreds everyday, watching them die mercilessly everyday. if he feels the dissonance, he can (1) quit his job, (2) change his perception of himself, as someone who couldn't care less about the lesser beings, (3) rationalize his behavior with reasons such as no other jobs during recession, yet he has to feed his family, or the unlikely alternative (4) live with the feeling of guilt everyday.

The degree of importance depends on 3 factors. the importance of the subject to us: (life or death matters, or just negligible matters), the degree of influence we have over our behavior and attitudes (can we change them, or it is technically and socially impossible to do), and lastly the rewards of dissonance (whether you are paid $1 or $100 to tell that cover-up lie).

Simply by understanding a little better how our mind works, we can make better decisions and avoid wrong decisions that can affect us badly. sometimes, being a little rational can get you more than just doing it by intuition or feelings.

today i was labelled as someone who don't give a damn about my significant other. i always thought that i am that kind of person that will drop anything that i'm doing, and just give myself in that kind of situation. but today have proven me otherwise. am i really that kind of a bad boyfriend. maybe. maybe i am, after all. 

is it hard to put emotions into everyday writing? and i thought its only natural..

face-to-face and voice communication is slowly getting replaced by text based communication today. email, sms, tweets, blogs, msn just to list a few.. but theres an important feature that is easily found in face-to-face or voice communication, thats emotion. Why is there a rapid increase in text based communication nowadays? its because we have successfully replicated the feeling of emotion into our writing.

furthermore, our society leans very much to a high context society, where everything is inferred, everything is dictated by common understanding by norms and traditions. Unlike a low context society like US, our communication is based a lot on the hidden meaning behind the words rather than the word itself.

with the careful choice of words, we can imply a lot of different meanings to the similar sentences. we can infer sarcasm, tease, playfulness, seriousness, and even anger or happiness. the choice of words also reflects how close are you to the other party.

to a random coworker, "thanks" is enough..
to a close friend, "thanks! :)" or something similar would reflect sincerity, or gratefulness. whereas "thanks" without any punctuation or emoticon, can imply that something is wrong, or even "thanks" can represent negative sarcasm in some cases.

in the context of emoticon, it has become the norm. theres a meaning between the usage of different emoticons and the omitting of those. the basic (: = happy, :( = sad, :D = really happy, :P = just kidding, have evolved to many different usage in many different context too. take for example: "i dont want to talk to you! :D" indicate playfulness, and the playfulness goes down the list to "i dont want to talk to you D:" then "i dont want to talk to you ):".

but whats the worst? "i dont want to talk to you" no punctuation, no emoticon, no nothing, you cant infer anything, you can only infer the worst possible scenario, anger. (theres no angry emoticon, even >:( never represented real anger. no emoticon = angry emoticon)

theres a lot of difference between a sincere "please take care! (:" and "take care." and its just natural to see it, because we have evolved to use this means of communication everyday.

in today's context, a text message, or instant messaging without the slightest hint of emotion can be reflected as talking with a straight face. you just cant tell whats the meaning behind it. it is unpleasant, stressful, and not to say a strong opposing force to an effective communication.

one's reply highly depends on the other party's. once theres a miscommunication, it can only escalates to the worst. luckily, this capability, this knowledge of the topic is already within all of us. its just whether we are willing to use it.

how many times i need to be reminded to cherish my family, my mom, my dad, my bro, my sis, my grandpa, my grandma.. i always lose my way and forget what and whos important to me. to the point that i neglected them so much they might not know who am i anymore. im so sorry. i dont even have the courage to say this to you all. but everytime i forget, i will be reminded of their love and care. and this video is one of a reminder to me.

i love you mom and dad. i just dont know how to show it to you.

when school work gets in the way, i prioritize them and told you off. when friends get in the way, i do the same, even when games/movies, i still do the same. im sorry. i need to be constantly reminded. it usually only last for a month after i go back home, then ill forget of whats important in my life.

what is my priority? who is my priority? how can i do all these. sigh.

yay, oschool recital was a blast, definitely better than last year :D great job guys, great job MJ peeps :D

now im back to studying, for tmr's quiz, cos yesterday i studied the wrong chapters, so today gonna start from scratch, wish me luck :D

gahh, i wanna dance moreeee..

Monday, 8 November 2010
5:20 AM

That is the time right now where life biggest question comes upon me. Whats my purpose in life?

its sounds really cliche. i knew about that question long time ago, but it struck me the hardest tonight. as i was pondering about my FYP, my grades, honours, degree. What am i gonna do in life? what am i gonna work as? what am i gonna waste my 5 days week doing, and how will i spend my weekends? will it be mundane. routine. boring. and have no purpose? whats my happiness. what makes my life worthwhile.

maybe a trigger from the movie, eat.pray.love. i didn't really catch much from it, but it sets me thinking. what am i doing in life? getting stressed over stuff everyday, this and that. worrying everyday, every minute, every second. is that life as everyone knows it? isnt life supposed to be meaningful, wonderful, and enjoyable? am i really living.

i have a 830 class tomorrow which means a 2 hours sleep tonight. what is becoming of my life. late night, studies, or games, movies, its becoming a mundane and im getting tired of it. is this life that im supposed to be living. what is that im supposed to be doing? whats my purpose in life.

again the topic is connected to my religion too, to God, to beliefs, to faiths. i've seen so many around me loses faith to the inevitable science and logical senses of this world. it is really true that belief is based on faith which is based on.. well probably nothing. faith, is a word overused by religion to run out from arguments. to others, those in faith are simply oblivious to the real world around them and choosing to believe in what they believe. well, its late and i dont make sense. but, right now, as im questioning my faith, im still holding on to them.

sooner or later this question will pop in your mind. it will come from inside you. what are you doing in this world? and it will all makes sense. or maybe it wont. like what im feeling right now. worried, about everything. about now, tomorrow, tuesday, next week, next month, next semester, next year. all worries. im not living my life.

which reminds me of a passage in the scripture, Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

im lost, im worried, im confused, im in need of wisdom and enlightenment. and im gonna find it. from bible, from teachings, from life lessons, from friend, and from you. whos reading this.

Hello as promise a quick post here!

I'm at surabaya now, blogging on my new phone! Haha, I find it much easier than using a laptop. Tho I'm still quite slow in typing here but the swype function is ready great! I can type much faster than passing the buttons one by one.whoever developed this thing is a real genius.

Its really relaxed here.tho I'm supposed to sing a song with my sis later but I'm still relaxing like nobody business.haha, damn I should start preparing soon.

To say that the place I'm currently staying at is nice is an investment.its like a mansion! Super duper nice! Haha.the size of the house is 10x of my house.and the view here us incredible! Haha photos couldn't do justice.but I'll take one anyway.haha.

Alright, tonight is my grandparents golden anniversary, so everybody now I'd preparing for the event.while I'm sorting on a relax chair work my phone, and the other children are playing xbox 360.haha what a life.

I'm flying back on the 16th in the morning I hope I can reach on time and there's no delay so that I can reach scape on time to do the YOG performance.wish me luck!

wow its already the 5th day that im back here, time fly so fast! but believe me, when u're here, the clock runs slower than back in sg. am i contradicting myself? :\ hmm.

im sorry again for not updating and causing you to worry these past few days! but here goes all in one shot!

wednesday i arrived at the airport at like 5 in the evening and my bro, sis, dad and mum just arrived there on time! we then went to my grandma's place to see them and talk talk abit (: and we went to eat pizza hut! its much cheaper here. hehe, and then we went back and sleeepp in the aircon room :D like finally! :P

thursday was mostly spent in the car going here and there, i didn't want to or/and wasn't allowed to drive cos it has been so long :P hehee, so me and my sis just tagged along my dad. in the afternoon we went to sent my mum to the airport, well not exactly the airport, just a place where she can take a chartered vehicle, and then we went to pick my bro and 2 cousins, they all go to the same school and they are on the same level! so nice (: then we went to collect some medicine item. mostly spent chitchatting inside the car. but i remembered for dinner we had something really nice! its called "presto chicken", its chicked cooked under high pressure so the bones became super soft! so we ate the whole chicken and it was really nice :P you should try one day.

friday! early in the morning my dad left for "bandung" sounds like the name of the drink, but its really a name of a place. a place where they sell ALOT of clothes in super cheap prices. well, not SUPER. but its considerably cheap! :P my dad went there for work purposes though, so i didnt get any clothes :P cos my mum and dad are both out of town, my aunt came and look after the 4 of us, me, my sis, my bro, and my cuz. we went to the mall just to buy snacks and "pirated" dvds to spend the night. and my aunt let me drive a little for dinner :P and then we went to stayover at my grandmas place for the night. tried to watch Hot Tub Time machine for the night ended up everyone sleeping in the middle of the movie. boring.

saturday! my other aunt and uncle came to pick us up to go shopping! we went to this place called "mangga dua" literally translated as mango 2. not that mango brand, but its a big building where they sell stuff in super cheap prices. alot of thieves and whatsoever but the stuffs there are cheap. not so cheap, but yeah cheap :P hehe. went around there for the wholeee day. my grandma gave me and my sis each 500thousand to spend, thats like 80 bucks. we went around to shop and i only bought one thing. BUT I LOVE THAT ONE THING. haha, look (:

omg yellow shoe again! haha, but it look the nicest there. not alot of shoes, and each only 1 size, so its abit hard to choose. the shop owners said that they can sell it with a cheaper price cos its a fail production. haha, so i guess its failed somewhat, but i still like. it cost me 375thousand! and thats about 60 bucks! hehe, not bad of a price huh. after shopping we went back home and played abit of pingpong and computer games together. then at night my dad called cos we changed plans, supposed to go back that night, but we planned to stay for one more night, he got quite angry cos he didnt bring the house key, so he need to go to my grandmas hse and back which takes him about 3+ hours. i feel guilty :x but after he left, me and my sis watched Grown Ups, quite a nice show.

sunday! which is today, again, made my dad angry cos we didnt get back home on time so we missed church today. he went to church alone cos my aunt sent us back home quite late. oh skipped the morning part. woke up quite early to watch the A team, and then watched some thai horror show, Still. not scary though, its kinda weird. haha, ate like 5 times today. then at night we picked my mum at the airport, i insisted to drive and finally they allowed me to drive to the airport! hehe, like finally. took about 1+ hours to reach there, picked my mum, grabbed some kfc and drove back. and now typing my blog here!

hehe, quite a boring post huh, and quite a boring holiday you may say. but its really relaxing here, no deadline, no stress, no nothing, ah thats something i find lacking in singapore, leisure, no stress times. lets go for some holiday and break free from all these stresses! (: really, take a break! ill bring you here someday (:

inspired by a great choreography and a family feeling. lets do this yo people (:

thanks to apple for sharing.


and i know you'll love this song.


lets make it better for everyone.

taking a time before i start on my 70-pages long IO report which i should finish by this morning before going on my movie date.

it is my 3rd year in insinyur camp, as a freshie, as a GL and as a part-time SA, and theres always the common thing that comes with being with insinyur camp, FUN. as a freshie, you experience fun like you never before, a week-long fun-filled activities night and days, meeting new friends that soon become good friends and bffs. scandals and gossips and stayovers and outings that filled up your otherwise boring school days. going to lectures and tutorials and exams together, being as one family, not alone.



being a GL, i really wanted all my freshies to experience all the things i went through, if not more. bringing their "real" self out of the awkward new friends barrier, breaking the shy zones, and lifting up and sharing the camp mood, fun mood for everyone to enjoy. afterall, its just a week of fun, enjoy it while it last. i really hoped my freshies enjoyed the camp and build bonds like what we all have made. as a GL, theres alot of responsibilities, jobs, and expectations. i would have said being a GL has taught me alot of things. being responsible, being dependable, being someone who is needed for the job, and most of all, being fun.

wanna say thank you to my insinyur'10 GLs for making the camp another enjoyable one (: you all have done a great job. theres always hiccups here and there, major or minor, there bound to be some of it. dont worry about it, learn from it and be a better person because of it. there will be (or there was) conflicts, disagreements, and misunderstandings between all of you, dont take it at heart. people who you can be best friend with, may not be people who you can work with. i experienced it myself and im sharing it with you all. always remember they were and will always be your good friends. having fun with, and working with are 2 totally different things, dont mix them up, dont bring the bad things from one side to another. keep your friends close at heart.

i remembered during my time as a GL, the 3 of us, me, jo and ed, we quarrel alot. being so blur, jo didn't get alot of things, being impatient, me doing things my own way, and ed stuck in between the 2 of us. however, whatever the circumstances are, we have one common clear goal in mind: to let the freshies have the most fun and enjoy the camp to the maximum. in the end, we still cover for each other. during night cycling my foot was swollen and i'd gone through pain throughout the night, cycling with swollen foot. i was totally sianned and my vision blurred throughout the journey, i didnt even remember about what happened that night, but ed and jo took cover for me. during the last few days where the H1N1 hit, jo was down with fever and stuff, and we took over for her. dont think any team doesn't have their weakness and dont think that any team will agree on everything. there bound to be mistakes and failures and disagreements. dont feel bad when you are down, cos you know your team will be there for you. at the same time, be there to cover for each other when the situation needs you.

now even as a part-time SA, i still have only one thing in my mind, that is to let the new freshies have as much fun as they can have. i did whatever i can to help bring the spirit up, the mood high, and the fun going. noone can be expected to perform to their max 24/7 and thats why we have 4 GLs and 2 official SAs to take cover. although this year we are short of people, i still wanna thank all the seniors who came back and help the OG. not forgetting all our dear programmers who still spare their busy time interacting and having fun with the OG people. you know who you are (: i also wanna thank the super old seniors who still come back to the camp, victor, shermaine, kenny, thanks :D

though, i still feel sad if people were to say that what all i did were fake. that all the smiles and the rahrah i put on during the camp was just a mask. i still really do feel hurt if you were to say that im pretending to be high when actually im not. just putting on a show. i thought after being my freshies, and then also working with me as senior, you will know better. im ready to put the freshies before anything during the camp, im ready to sacrifice sleep and rest for the sake of fun. im ready to be whatever im needed as on when they need me. all of it is me, none of it were fake.

i, too, am guilty over using "it's just me" excuse to stop making myself a better person. who are you? how do you know that thats you? you define yourself by the description that you made. people change, people strive to be better. no matter how old or experienced you are, you learn, you learn from everyone, from everything that happens to you and people around you. its time for me to stop saying "i am this because i am like that" cos i change with time, i want to be a better person. be the person i want me to be, be the best that i can be. i hope all of you realize, not to define who you are as of what you are now. thats setting the boundary, that like limiting your own potential to be someone better. try to be better everyday, not be someone people want you to be, not to be someone people ask you to be,  or people expect you to be, but to be someone better than the person you were yesterday.

and its also time to stop judging people for being fake, cos you are belittling their effort to improve. So i cant do this because i am not this kind of person. if someone wants to be better, if someone is trying to change to be a better person, the least you can do is not to belittle their effort and associate them with their past self. you become who you are now not because you were born that way, not because its just you. you change, you accommodate and you learn to be yourself today. remember what you're like in kindergarten? primary, secondary, and JC? are they all the same?

i'm saying this to everyone who came to read this post, you make mistake, you learn, and you be better. theres nothing wrong if you want to be different from the crowd, theres nothing wrong if you want to conform with the crowd, theres nothing such as fake, its who you are. if you like to pretend and be someone u're not, then its who you are! not faking or anything cos thats you and no one should blame you for that, just like no one should blame you if you want to be yourself.

remember that your society and friends made who you are today, and that process is still ongoing. be open to changes and don't hold back the chance to be someone better by limiting yourself to your pre-made self description. 

let me end this with the SSM quote of the night, "i don't shag people, i'm not that kind of person". what kind of person are you?